Today is Good Friday...

So here's a quandary... I'm spiritual but believe in God/Jesus.  Why you ask?  Because I actually "met" both at one point.

I was 18 at my favorite church camp for a week, but they made a change that year by allowing instead of 9-12 grade to include 7th & 8th.  Not that it was a "bad" thing, but the camp that year vibe had changed.  Many of the younger crowd didn't understand how this camp worked and how those of us who had been here for years got a chance to show our spirituality without any repercussions from anyone else.  You were free to be you and worship and give different ideas.  Great, great camp that I still remember fondly.

The new people were almost rude to those of us who had been there for years.  They were even bordering on rude to the Minister/Director and Counselors.  One of the favorite past-times was in the evening to have a bonfire at the beach of the lake.  Here we got to do our ministry.  Sing songs, talk about God and Jesus and mainly share our love we had for each other.  The first one we had, the new kids were not paying attention, were not sitting down with us, in fact a few were some feet away from where the majority of us were.  You know it was bad, when the Director asked me if I had any ideas.  Which of course I did.  I had this song (non-Christian) that was so on point with the spirit of the camp, so I ran up to get my tape recorder (yes I'm dating myself) quickly taped me playing the song and then ran back to sing it to everyone.  Believe it or not, one by one the new kids came to the bonfire.  Tears running down their faces and on ours.

So the Director decided we needed to go up to meet at a place in about 10 minutes for a big group hug.  I don't know what really happened from that point, because here I brought them together and all of sudden I'm shunned (or my perception).  I went somewhere else to figure out what was happening inside me while waiting for someone to come grab me for the circle.  No one came.  For some reason I was despondent.  This had happened to me my entire life ... bringing people together, but being on the outside.  At that point in my life, I was done with it.  I figured life would be better without me and looked seriously at a way I could just end my life.  We had this tire hanging equipment and I figured I could untie and hang myself.  As I'm planning this, I hear a very loud and loving voice.  Said one thing to me.  "Wait".  I'm like wait until when?  Then I heard "Give it a day".   There are no words to describe the feeling that voice brought to me .. I mean I was in tears it was just so loving.  I knew at once that was God.

I walked back to the cabin where everyone was talking about how great the hug circle was and no one even noticed I wasn't there.  I did give it a day.  Luckily for me, someone "new" found me and became the ear I needed to get all of the sadness out.  And as you can see by me writing this.. I'm still alive and kicking :)

I didn't know it at the time that I had these gifts, but looking back, I'm sure I just was way overwhelmed by all the emotions and didn't know how to shield/ground or any of that and being an empath, over loaded.

I've had turbulent times later on, but I still remember how that voice was and I could feel God's Love for ME.  So I know God loves us and wants only for us to live life and be all that we can be.  I can also relate in losing a child, so the courage it took for Jesus to die for us and God's love to bring him back.  It's just a gift.  Appreciate not only this weekend, but for all time.  Know that God along with others around here on this place we call Earth are here for you.  And for anyone that is thinking of taking their own life -- talk to someone -- anyone, someone will listen and understand.  Most people if they looked at me, would never believe my thoughts ever went that direction.  But you can't judge people by a cover.  And if by chance you're reading this blog entry -- feel free to contact me.  I am ALWAYS willing to listen and not judge.  Everyone should have at least one person in their life that is like that and guess what, besides me -- God and Jesus along with a host of angels and guides are too willing to listen and give you unconditional love. <3

Mind if I complain?

OK, I so need another vent.  The past 2 weeks have been trying.  I had my youngest get the flu.  My husband get diverticulitis.  Snow days in March.  Husband putting together our new kids bookshelf and not throwing box (etc) away.  Having inspections done on the cars and one didn't pass and had to try and schedule it in to be fixed while I was home.   Husband putting together the new futon couch and leaving me to move the old one away.  Helping out at church and seeing how disrespectful some of the kids are to others.  Having to review co-workers CBT and making a ton of comments on something that shouldn't have been that bad before I reviewed.  And now capturing the piece he "didn't understand".

So this morning, I am truly feeling all that has happened in the past few weeks.  I'm sore from lifting the old bed/mattress and moving the couch where it should have been.  Then lifting my almost 3 year old daughter in and out of cars, into strollers or seats.  I so can't wait until she can walk on her own.

I have to be organized at work.  It's my job and I need it to support my family.  With 3 kids you have to be somewhat organized, but I had hoped to have the hubby take it over for the house, because he's the one at home with "more time".  But here I go again.  Having to do it all.

My parents are coming for a visit in about a month.  My house is a PIT.  I'm not just talking messy (with 3 kids and 1 big one hard not to be) but DIRTY.  My husband things a few hours on a Saturday he'll be able to get it all cleaned up before my parents get there.  Which wouldn't be bad, but he's a packrat.  He can not get rid of ANYTHING.  So here I am trying to purge kids toys, my old books, clothes, basically anything we haven't worn in 2 -3 years, seen or not attached to personally.  I remember being the packrat, I remember how hard it was to get rid of things.  But seriously, if you haven't seen it, used it in over 6 years, it's time to get rid of it.

I, in the past, would just clean up the house.  I can say I've done it 4-5 times (full clean) since we've lived there (going on 7 years).  But the moment I get it that way, everyone (mainly hubby) comes behind and messes it up again.  I work 8-12 hour days (depending on projects going on), commute anywhere from 1-3 hours one way and then come home to have to do that?  Come on!

So, I'm hoping just by getting out and letting it go.. I can move on and try and bring the positive to me and hopefully something will change.  For the better... I might add.

Life gets hectic..

with 3 kids, 2 cats, a hubby and a full-time job and commute.  So as much as I love to blog about my life and/or spiritual things sometimes life just overtakes us.

For me to actually blog about something, I often have to have the time and a little quiet to actually write.  I can't tell you how many times I start something and get interrupted and then when I go back I'm trying to figure out where I left off and can't do it.. that train has left the building :D  So I end up deleting that draft and sigh and go onto another one another day.

So, it's been busy couple of weeks.  All spiritual stuff has been left in left field, as much as I wanted to do it.  About all I've been able to manage is the self-healings with Reiki that I'm supposed to do.  Thank God they only take about 5 minutes to give, not sure I had that much time to spare.   I did one in the car today, one on past lives.  The last few I've done, haven't had many things come up that I could "see".  Can't say that my emotions aren't all over the place they are.  But today, it was different.  I did the Reiki and I got a glimpse of a past life.  OMG.  Such an experience.  I was a priestess of Isis in Egypt times.  So, I need to do some research into that era, what I've found so far is this:

"many of them were considered healers, and were said to have other special powers, including dream interpretation and the ability to control the weather,"

Which is interesting, considering I heal.  Can't say I do anything with the weather, though I seem to predict it pretty well and dreams.. well I don't really have any.  I apparently help others while sleeping, so I don't get to remember anything (darn it!).  

But the images that flew at me were so great.  I haven't really had that experience like some of my friends, I mainly see colors and hear.  Was it a great past life -- well apparently I self-sacrificed myself and I actually heard, "You have such great faith daughter.  You will be rewarded"  Am I excited.. heck yeah!  I have always been drawn to the Egyptian culture and movies.. I mean The Mummy is my favorite movie (with Brendan Fraser & Rachel Weisz)

So as much as I want to go fast with my spirituality, it appears it will be small steps for me.  I asked my guides why all my friends get these wonderful vivid experiences and I don't?  What I got back from them was "You're too busy."   Gotta love my guides.  Like I don't know that :D

Automatic Writing

I know somewhere I had posted about trying my hand at automatic writing.  Well, it's not going as well as I had hoped.  But then again, I have been very busy lately and haven't gotten back to it.

But I had Sarah Martin (http://healingworks82.blogspot.com/2013/03/how-automatic-writing-reading-works.html) do one for me and it was a WONDERFUL experience.

Now, she emailed not only her automatic writing that she scanned, she also did a write up in email.  When I got it I was on my phone, so I could only read the email portion, but OMG, her first sentence:

"Believe in your gift.  Believe in you.  Believe that the possibilities are endless."

Hit me hard.  I have been going through some self-doubt lately.  I've never doubted my healings - until recently when I seemed "off" after raising my vibration.  I hear "voices" but don't "see" like some of my friends, who by the way are really talented.  I have an intuitiveness that I can't explain, as word pop right out of my mouth when talking to people.  So listening to my other friends who are expanding and hearing about their experiences, I'm happy for them, but also a bit jealous.  What's interesting though, when they're telling me about it, I can see it happening in my mind's eye.  Which is actually kind of cool.

I think it's good for even us intuitive types to have others "read" you.  It gives you perspective that you may not be hearing (or listening to) by your guides. 

Needless to say, I was blessed by the messages that came through Sarah to me.  I can't express enough how much those messages mean to me.  I hope everyone gives her a shot.  What can it hurt? :)  She does it with love and truth and neither are a bad thing.

So, I'm going to try and make time to sit down and start working on my automatic writing.  If I can get 1/2 of what Sarah got, I'll be happy :)

How about you?  Have you tried to do this?

No idea

How often do you feel that you have no idea of where your life is going and worse where it's been?

For so long in my life, I was just coasting.  It's funny looking back, I in my teens seemed to know me and what I wanted in my life and what I wanted to do with my life.  Then one day that disappeared.  I got "caught up" in LOVE.  So much so, I lost myself in the process.  Between him and work slowly working that I was no good, I eventually thought it.

As you can see, I eventually got out of that situation, first work then relationship and I thought I was happy.

Then came the kids.  I have always wanted children.  ALWAYS.  Ask anyone who knows/knew me and that will be one constant I'm sure.  So when I had my first, both my husband and I were very excited.  Until that dreaded appointment when I found out (I was alone) that something was wrong with her.  And not just one thing, multiple things.  Multiple things that could have a lasting affect.  Heart, Kidney and Spine.  So instead of the first time parents thing my husband and I were expecting, we ended up in a crash course of doctors and medical jargon.  Good news was she's doing well now.  We still have to monitor her for the different things and she'll have to have more surgeries in the future, but she's stable right now.

So, after that experience, I had a miscarriage and then got pregnant again.  Had issues with that pregnancy right from the start.  Again, instead of a happy pregnancy, this time we found out the child had Trisomy 18.  Now came the very hard decision of going through the pregnancy with the chance the child wouldn't make it through the pregnancy or birth or terminating it all together.  This is when I had to do some major soul searching.  I didn't understand why this kept happening to me.  My husband was immediately "we'll continue with the pregnancy" -- me I wasn't as sure at that point when the question was asked.  Men can say all they want about the pregnancy, but until they can actually do the carrying -- it's the woman's choice.  I did come to the decision of carrying her, but it was a hard decision.  Especially when the husband was busy talking about caskets and what to do with the funeral stuff.  I finally had to tell him to back off.  I was more concerned in getting her to live.  I would deal with the other stuff when/if it happened.  BTW, there are wonderful people out there that have children still living with Trisomy 18.  My hat goes off to them for being such wonderful people taking care of these special souls.  Well, I did manage to give birth and she did manage to live 2 days.  But we did lose her.  I was sad, but at peace.  I truly felt like she was a "lesson" to me to not take life for granted and live each and every moment -- not get caught up into what I like to call the "day-to-day" crapola.

So I did, I took each moment more seriously, until 3 months after her birth I was pregnant again.  In my gut, I knew I was carrying twins, which was confirmed a few months later.  So now because of my age and then having twins, I had a lot of appointments.  In these appointments we found out genetically they didn't have Trisomy, their hearts were good and so we thought we were in the clear until they started noticing on my girl twin that something was going on with her brain.  It wasn't until after she was born that we got the diagnosis of Agenesis of Corpus Callosum.  Basically she was missing the bundle of nerves that communicate between the two hemispheres of the brain.  What did that mean?  No one knows as each case is different.

So here we go again.  Unknown.  No idea.  All I can do is love my children and make them try to be the best that they can be.  Not what I want them to be -- that's setting  yourself up for failure, but accepting them for the individuals they are.

So, my spirituality has been stagnant for awhile due to all of "this life stuff going on", until recently and it's been fast pace ever since.  Now I'm at a different vibration level and feel like I'm starting new all over again with things.  Which direction do I go in now?  Guess what -- NO IDEA :D

But if I've learned nothing else from my experiences (so far) in life is to take each day as it comes and really really don't sweat the small stuff.  And of course that's easier said than done -- why?  Because emotions are involved.  So because of that, learn to breathe and try and get centered again.

Law of Attraction

I learned of this concept over a year ago.  I really thought it was a fairly easy concept to get down.  Like attract like.  So if I'm worried about my money issues, then I will continue to attract such things into my life, as that is what I'm putting out there as far as energy.

Then I got in on a free call and then purchased her "class session" audio all about clearing your energy fields for unlimited abundance.

So after a year of "learning" and doing different things to try and help the process along, I'm still not where I want to be.

So I have been learning about Akashic Records, about Ascension and the like, and finally wanted a break.  So pulled up on my kindle some free books.  Some, which of course are romance.  Color me surprised finding one called Soul Mates and when reading it, low and behold, they've thrown in the bits about Law of Attraction! 

How's that for the universe giving me a unique perspective on it.  Not only do they incorporate 5 steps to it, they have 2 different characters trying to learn the process and put their own spin on it for their life.  So by the end of the book, they both realize what that means to them.

I'm going to have to go back and read it a little more carefully -- I was trying to read in between taking care of kids and hubby (2 which were sick).  I want to see how I can apply what the author wrote to my life and maybe get me back on track.

Then on Friday evening, because I had nothing better to do, I decided to have my Third Level of Kundalani Reiki done.  Was quite the visual/feeling experience.  First I felt some tingling in my hands.  Then all of sudden I felt like I was floating in water (nice warm water) very zen ;)

Then I felt other elements come to me in "colors" and wrap around me (still in the water).  So I had fire (orange/yellow), earth (green), air (blue) and spirit (purple).  I also felt like there were 3 stones around my 3rd eye.  I saw at least 2 of my chakras really becoming brighter.

So not sure what happened over the weekend.  I'm now very moody and don't want to talk to anyone, have little patience for my kids or anyone really.  I wanted to be a hermit. I had time even to do spiritual work, but I didn't want to do it.

My soul-sister took a look last night and she got a lot of stuff around me and was sending me different type of healing.  This morning, still in a funky mood, and we were talking over chat this morning and she took another look.  She said something about shutting the door around me and it hits me that maybe I forgot to close the door to the Akashic Records and have been bombarded with things.  So I myself closed the door (like I was supposed to) and now I'm feeling calmer.  Which is good, because I truly have a terrible temper and I hate it -- sorry I love it about me, don't like losing it around people.  I'm hoping I keep at this calm pace for awhile.

One Word Guidance

I've been thinking of offering "one word guidance" to people that would like a message from the angels/guides.

I think I'm going to offer on Twitter.  I'm going to utilize our group twitter account to do so @divinepathways1   Just make sure to put #onewordguidance!

See what your guides/angels want you to know in one word!