I decided today to talk briefly about losing people in your life. Now I grew up in the country and we had a lot of dogs and cats all my life. I was always sad when my pets died. But I always had others around to help with that loss.
My first people loss was when I was 15. I was at church camp when the counselors there told me that my grandmother had passed. Of course I was confused, because at that time I had 4 -- 2 grandmothers and 2 great-grandmothers. One which lived close to us the others not so much. Turns out it was the one. I am and was very grateful that this happened when I was up at camp. I had so much support there It was very sudden, as she had a heart attack. I had just seen her on Saturday before I left for camp and she died that next Monday. She was the glue that held our family together. It was never the same after she died.
Then, three months later we lost a great-grandfather. I didn't know him very well. So I wasn't as affected by his death.
Then four months later I lost my cousin who was like my sister. We were born 8 days apart and shared most everything. She was opposite to me. Blonde, blue-eyed, petite and I'm the swarthy dark haired, hazel-green eyed "giant" (compared to her at least). I remember once when we were 12, she took me to meet some of her friends that lived nearby. All of them thought I was 16. The reason she was so petite is that she suffered from Cystic Fibrosis. She was in and out of the hospital for her whole life. In December that year, we got the call that she was in the hospital again. My family was planning a trip to Texas to visit my mother's side. We stopped in to check on her. To be honest, she looked awful. I could tell by her eyes that she was done fighting. I knew then it was just a matter of time. Of course, in hind-sight I feel like I might have been the only one that really saw that. Everyone told us to go on our trip. So off we went. She died on December 22nd. I remember just getting to my grandparent's house and trying to go to sleep and I heard the phone ring. I knew right then and there she was gone. I think that might have been the first time the medium ability showed itself to me. Because I remember her telling me goodbye and to help her family to heal.
Fast forward -- lost some more pets -- some that I had to put down because of issues they had. Divorce -- which is it's own type of death.
Dealing with my first child's health issues. To finally get her settled and static, to become pregnant with a baby that had Trisomy 18. Talk about soul searching. To continue the pregnancy, knowing there was a chance that she might die inside, or be stillborn, or not live long after, or have her for a few years to lose her. Was I strong enough. I can honestly say, God gave me the answers I was looking for and gave me peace. It's one of those -- let go and let God. I knew he wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle. My husband could only deal with the death part. While carrying her - I couldn't. I was willing her to make the goals I had set out for her. You know what..? She made every single one of them. She died 2 days after she was born. I'm sure everyone thought I was handling it well -- and I probably was. Why? Because I found my peace while carrying her. Yes it was difficult to come home from the hospital with no baby after carrying her for 9 months, but it is what it is.
Not 3 months after losing her, I found out I was pregnant again. With twins :) I know in my heart she came back to us. But even if she hadn't, I know if my heart she was at peace and where she wasn't suffering. As much as I missed her being with my physically, I was at peace knowing she was too.
Grief has no timetable. You may feel like you're over it, but may not be. Just be kind to yourself and be open to the healing process. You never forget, but over time, the pain will lesson some.
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