4 years...

since my little Trisomy 18 angel came into our lives.  Sarah was born on May 22, 2009.  Her due date was technically in June.  I was very blessed to have wonderful doctors and nurses whose only thought was to give us time with her.  We knew she had a heart issue.  We knew she had a cleft lip/palate as well.  During the pregnancy I had polyhydramnios (extra amnio fluid) -- way extra.  We didn't know why that was happening, it apparently happens sometimes with Trisomy pregnancies.

So we went into this appointment, not prepared to give birth, just to have a look and go home.  It was Memorial Day weekend.  Had our weekly scan and the perinatologist came in to say she didn't like the look of the cord.  That she wanted us to deliver immediately.   We weren't prepared, I didn't have my bag or any of her things.  Our home was over an hour away.  We thought we had got them to decide to wait until after the holiday.  They just wanted me over to the hospital to get checked to make sure I wouldn't have my water break. 

I knew something was up when they put an IV in me.  My OB was supposed to be off at 5, but she stayed to deliver Sarah.  You would think that the whole process would be very dire and quiet.  But it wasn't.  There were a ton of people in the room (teaching hospital) and they made it very lively.  For that I'm eternally grateful.  Because to be honest, we didn't know if she'd be alive once she was out.

She was.  And what a lovely soul she was.  She gave us 2 days with her and made very goal I set out for her.  My only regret was not more pictures of her and me together.  It was on the 24th of May, when they took a scan of her stomach, because the formula kept coming back up that we found out her esophagus had not attached to her stomach.  At that point, we knew it was just a matter of time.

My parents had driven 2 days to get there.  She made it long enough for them to get to hold her and tell her they loved her.  Then she passed in my arms.

She was a life lesson and a gift.  Anyone who has gone through something similar will probably tell you the same.

It's been 4 years since she came into and went out of our lives.. but we'll never forget.

Bittersweet...

Yesterday, I was driving in and listening to an Unlimited Abundance session and I think had a breakthrough with something I was holding on to.  It's good when you yawn or even cry when listening to sessions.

It was so busy at work yesterday.  I didn't even get a chance to work on something I've been meaning to get to -- so hopefully today.  I went home and our PT person came to work with our youngest.  I can not tell you how much I love this person.  She has always taken very good care of Sammy and given us items to help us so we didn't have to purchase one -- like a walker.  She also listens and responds to my hubby -- who can be a bit oblivious at times.  We <3 her!  We're also getting down to the last few sessions with her, before Sammy turns 3.  It's a bittersweet moment, even more to me because she's such a lovely light positive energy when she comes. 

She helped me last night (so my prayers were answered) about the situation with my son and getting speech therapy and both getting the hearing tests.  Hubby being who he is, basically told her that they accept everyone.  She told him no they don't.  She has seen over her many years with the organization people she thought for sure would qualify for assistance that they said no too.  Then to top it off, she basically told him (and me) that she thinks it was a good move to get the hearing tested -- especially son with his dropping middle consonants.  She even told us that she talked to one of the PT people that will be taking over when she turns 3 -- telling her she was getting one of "her most favorite kids".  That made me feel really good that she would do that.  I will definitely miss her presence in our lives... however, I have her email and phone -- so I will definitely stay in touch :)

I am moving on with my life.  I will do everything I can to help my children become the best they can be.  I have been known to be a bit critical of things at times ( hubby calls it column A and B -- and you don't want to be on "B") -- but I do that because I only except the best for my kids.  I do a lot of research and try to go to the medical appointments because I want to at least once meet the doctor(s) that will be working on them.  I have a pretty good internal guidance system that allows me to see (most of the time) how people really are -- so if I sense you're not good for us as a family or my kid(s) especially -- I have no qualms in finding someone that is.

Now to find some shoes to go over Sammy's braces so we can get this girl walking :)

Today is Good Friday...

So here's a quandary... I'm spiritual but believe in God/Jesus.  Why you ask?  Because I actually "met" both at one point.

I was 18 at my favorite church camp for a week, but they made a change that year by allowing instead of 9-12 grade to include 7th & 8th.  Not that it was a "bad" thing, but the camp that year vibe had changed.  Many of the younger crowd didn't understand how this camp worked and how those of us who had been here for years got a chance to show our spirituality without any repercussions from anyone else.  You were free to be you and worship and give different ideas.  Great, great camp that I still remember fondly.

The new people were almost rude to those of us who had been there for years.  They were even bordering on rude to the Minister/Director and Counselors.  One of the favorite past-times was in the evening to have a bonfire at the beach of the lake.  Here we got to do our ministry.  Sing songs, talk about God and Jesus and mainly share our love we had for each other.  The first one we had, the new kids were not paying attention, were not sitting down with us, in fact a few were some feet away from where the majority of us were.  You know it was bad, when the Director asked me if I had any ideas.  Which of course I did.  I had this song (non-Christian) that was so on point with the spirit of the camp, so I ran up to get my tape recorder (yes I'm dating myself) quickly taped me playing the song and then ran back to sing it to everyone.  Believe it or not, one by one the new kids came to the bonfire.  Tears running down their faces and on ours.

So the Director decided we needed to go up to meet at a place in about 10 minutes for a big group hug.  I don't know what really happened from that point, because here I brought them together and all of sudden I'm shunned (or my perception).  I went somewhere else to figure out what was happening inside me while waiting for someone to come grab me for the circle.  No one came.  For some reason I was despondent.  This had happened to me my entire life ... bringing people together, but being on the outside.  At that point in my life, I was done with it.  I figured life would be better without me and looked seriously at a way I could just end my life.  We had this tire hanging equipment and I figured I could untie and hang myself.  As I'm planning this, I hear a very loud and loving voice.  Said one thing to me.  "Wait".  I'm like wait until when?  Then I heard "Give it a day".   There are no words to describe the feeling that voice brought to me .. I mean I was in tears it was just so loving.  I knew at once that was God.

I walked back to the cabin where everyone was talking about how great the hug circle was and no one even noticed I wasn't there.  I did give it a day.  Luckily for me, someone "new" found me and became the ear I needed to get all of the sadness out.  And as you can see by me writing this.. I'm still alive and kicking :)

I didn't know it at the time that I had these gifts, but looking back, I'm sure I just was way overwhelmed by all the emotions and didn't know how to shield/ground or any of that and being an empath, over loaded.

I've had turbulent times later on, but I still remember how that voice was and I could feel God's Love for ME.  So I know God loves us and wants only for us to live life and be all that we can be.  I can also relate in losing a child, so the courage it took for Jesus to die for us and God's love to bring him back.  It's just a gift.  Appreciate not only this weekend, but for all time.  Know that God along with others around here on this place we call Earth are here for you.  And for anyone that is thinking of taking their own life -- talk to someone -- anyone, someone will listen and understand.  Most people if they looked at me, would never believe my thoughts ever went that direction.  But you can't judge people by a cover.  And if by chance you're reading this blog entry -- feel free to contact me.  I am ALWAYS willing to listen and not judge.  Everyone should have at least one person in their life that is like that and guess what, besides me -- God and Jesus along with a host of angels and guides are too willing to listen and give you unconditional love. <3