Relating is the connecting we do, and relationships, whether we call them friends, acquaintances or partners, is our vision, creation and words that we use to describe a union or interaction that is based on our values, needs, desires, beliefs and conditioning. With true love and relating, we relate without demands, expectations or conditions.
What we call love encompasses many aspects of relating.
Some aspects are:
The need for attachment, companionship, and to have a sense of belonging.
The need to care for others and receive care.
The need to share thoughts, feelings, desires and experiences.
The need for trust, respect, sex, affection and compassion.
In partnership, the ‘falling in love’, the attraction, and the desire for others is the basic, beginning and elementary form of love, relating and relationship. As love and relating matures, one may begin to experience the love that exists beyond the basics to honor the unique individuality of another. We begin to see others as separate from us, knowing that they are writing their own life story of their needs and desires.
With mature relating, there is no urgency to connect, and there is no neediness or desire to change the other into something that will meet our needs and desires. Mature love is not trying to solve our neediness by depending on others or making others dependent on us. Mature love is based on freedom without conditions or expectations. It is to develop our own inner richness, love, compassion and maturity, so that we give from our fullness - which naturally draws others towards us.
Mature love and relating brings freedom from pain, drama and the movie/fantasy romance. This is a higher love that has come into blossom, and it is truly unconditional. Its fragrance spreads across a world, lifting us higher and higher - connecting us with the oneness of universal love!
True care and love in relationships brings the opportunity to learn from one another, and helps us grow and mature. As we naturally and gradually mature, the elements of neediness, expectations, conditions and demands will fall away, leaving us to truly experience genuine love and relating, and fulfilling relationships.
A note on false unconditional love:
This is where we perform the role of ‘unconditional lover’ all the time because we think it is right to do. If our true need is to be loved in return, and we repress and sacrifice this need, we stop loving ourselves.
A note on the ending of traditional unions:
People relate and love others as long as it has meaning for them.
If it is a marriage or relationship that you wish to move away from - leave with gratitude for all that the other has brought to your life - All the joys, challenges, lessons, pleasures and beautiful moments that have been shared together.
When we really have matured, we will come to realize that we never need to say good-bye ‘forever’ to anyone. Even if we labelled a relationship as abusive, we will come to see the role that we played in it, and realize that it wasn’t really abusive or unhealthy - it was simply that our relating and our understanding of love, wasn’t mature yet. It was immature, fragile and easily damaged. Calling a relationship abusive is a harsh suggestion that there is one ‘bad person’ involved, that there is someone to blame, someone should feel shame, and someone is a victim. All this can cover up the opportunity to learn and grow from the experience. If we look at ourselves with compassion and gentleness, we will see that in reality, we are simply on the journey to maturity and wholeness – perhaps going about it in different (and difficult) ways.
A relationship may need to change though if only one person starts to grow. You may want to connect differently. For instance instead of being companions or lovers, you get together the odd time for tea to discuss world matters, or play a game of tennis together.
If you are called to end a relationship, journey away from each other without blame or resentment - simply separate. Often it is one person that wants to leave, and will initiate the separation. If needed, the initiator (if he/she is mature and caring enough) will take the time and consideration to help the other reach peace and understanding, and help the other person to let go too - so they can move forward as well.
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