No idea

How often do you feel that you have no idea of where your life is going and worse where it's been?

For so long in my life, I was just coasting.  It's funny looking back, I in my teens seemed to know me and what I wanted in my life and what I wanted to do with my life.  Then one day that disappeared.  I got "caught up" in LOVE.  So much so, I lost myself in the process.  Between him and work slowly working that I was no good, I eventually thought it.

As you can see, I eventually got out of that situation, first work then relationship and I thought I was happy.

Then came the kids.  I have always wanted children.  ALWAYS.  Ask anyone who knows/knew me and that will be one constant I'm sure.  So when I had my first, both my husband and I were very excited.  Until that dreaded appointment when I found out (I was alone) that something was wrong with her.  And not just one thing, multiple things.  Multiple things that could have a lasting affect.  Heart, Kidney and Spine.  So instead of the first time parents thing my husband and I were expecting, we ended up in a crash course of doctors and medical jargon.  Good news was she's doing well now.  We still have to monitor her for the different things and she'll have to have more surgeries in the future, but she's stable right now.

So, after that experience, I had a miscarriage and then got pregnant again.  Had issues with that pregnancy right from the start.  Again, instead of a happy pregnancy, this time we found out the child had Trisomy 18.  Now came the very hard decision of going through the pregnancy with the chance the child wouldn't make it through the pregnancy or birth or terminating it all together.  This is when I had to do some major soul searching.  I didn't understand why this kept happening to me.  My husband was immediately "we'll continue with the pregnancy" -- me I wasn't as sure at that point when the question was asked.  Men can say all they want about the pregnancy, but until they can actually do the carrying -- it's the woman's choice.  I did come to the decision of carrying her, but it was a hard decision.  Especially when the husband was busy talking about caskets and what to do with the funeral stuff.  I finally had to tell him to back off.  I was more concerned in getting her to live.  I would deal with the other stuff when/if it happened.  BTW, there are wonderful people out there that have children still living with Trisomy 18.  My hat goes off to them for being such wonderful people taking care of these special souls.  Well, I did manage to give birth and she did manage to live 2 days.  But we did lose her.  I was sad, but at peace.  I truly felt like she was a "lesson" to me to not take life for granted and live each and every moment -- not get caught up into what I like to call the "day-to-day" crapola.

So I did, I took each moment more seriously, until 3 months after her birth I was pregnant again.  In my gut, I knew I was carrying twins, which was confirmed a few months later.  So now because of my age and then having twins, I had a lot of appointments.  In these appointments we found out genetically they didn't have Trisomy, their hearts were good and so we thought we were in the clear until they started noticing on my girl twin that something was going on with her brain.  It wasn't until after she was born that we got the diagnosis of Agenesis of Corpus Callosum.  Basically she was missing the bundle of nerves that communicate between the two hemispheres of the brain.  What did that mean?  No one knows as each case is different.

So here we go again.  Unknown.  No idea.  All I can do is love my children and make them try to be the best that they can be.  Not what I want them to be -- that's setting  yourself up for failure, but accepting them for the individuals they are.

So, my spirituality has been stagnant for awhile due to all of "this life stuff going on", until recently and it's been fast pace ever since.  Now I'm at a different vibration level and feel like I'm starting new all over again with things.  Which direction do I go in now?  Guess what -- NO IDEA :D

But if I've learned nothing else from my experiences (so far) in life is to take each day as it comes and really really don't sweat the small stuff.  And of course that's easier said than done -- why?  Because emotions are involved.  So because of that, learn to breathe and try and get centered again.